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I've Heard That Smell Before! Jacobar and crew journeyed for days and nights to the bourder of the great Gouda's reign. Alas, as they approached the saw a gigantic wall of cheese."My Goud," said Endish, "the entire land has been sealed off by cheese!" "Stay calm, Endish, we will think of something." Jacobar spoke with confidence. "Can't we just climb over it?" asked Lu Cont. "No! We would get cheese under our fingernails. There has to be another way." "Maybe we can cut through it?" "No! We would get cheese on our saw. We can't." "What if we eat our way through?" "No! We would get cheese in our stomachs, and it's probably poisoned." "What do we do then, Jacobar?" "We'll never get over it, through it or around it, there is no way." "Aurrr? What year is it?" asked a strange homeless man who approached. "It is ¼ª¥£, why?" "Gouds! Who rules these parts?" "The rightful king is King British, but just behind those walls another power makes false claim on this land: Gouda. How do you not know this? Have you been living in a cave?" "Yes, that cave right over there." "And you were unaware of the year as well?" "Auu. When I went in the cave it was 2006, and now I've lost all track of time." "Gouds! It must be a temporal cave!" exclaimed Jacobar. "Everyone follow me." As Jacobar entered the cave, he turned and walked backward. As he moved, he watched the sun rapidly move through the sky outside the cave. It moved faster and faster, until day was but a flicker and the whole outside had a strobe light effect. Between flickers, he could see the great wall being unconstructed. "This is the key," said Jacobar. "We will not go around the wall, we will go before it." At last, they reached the time when the cheese wall was not begun. Jacobar took one more long step back. "Follow me!" he yelled, and with that he ran like the wind from an airhorn, and outran time itself. When the crew emerged from the cave, it was ¼ª¥§ and the cheese wall had only begun. They walked through a gap where no cheese had yet been lain, and at last they were in the kingdom of the newly formed false king Gouda. There was still a day's travel ahead before they would reach the palace. Jacobar bid Endish walk ahead of the group and set traps just in case. The rest of the crew walked slowly, and in an hour or so Endish came back. "I have set traps from here to the palace," he said, "so we may proceed with confidence." "Good man, Endish," said Jacobar, and they stopped to rest for the night. In the morning, they woke to the roar and stomp of a distant Breadasaurus Rex. The giant Breadasaur towered over them and approached with a very bad attitude. "GRRAAAAAAA!" said the beast, "I shall smite you with my crust!" Endish whispered of something to Jacobar, and the Captain grinned with renewed confidence. "I think not, Rex." He turned to his friends, "Endish, find me 3 smooth stones. The rest of you, you'd better get to a safe distance." Endish ran off, and quickly returned with the stones. Jacobar took the three of them and ate them with a glass of water. "Thank you, Endish. Now you'd better get to safety too." Endish nodded and ran off. The breaden dinosaur stomped closer, but Jacobar stood his ground. A minute later, Jacobar took exactly two steps back and the Breadasaur was just two of his giant steps away. Step, spwiff, FALL! The Breadasaur put one foot in front of the other, and it fell through the flimsy surface of a fake ground. He lost his balance and tumbled down into a gigantic hole half filled with water. The splash was breadtastic, but Rex was now in a panic. His limbs went soggy, and before he could yell out a single threat his vocal bread turned to mush. The crew gathered around behind Jacobar as they looked over the edge and watched the bread dissipate. "Come along men, let's go," said Jacobar, and they walked around the edge of the hole and off into the sunset. After a minute they decided to step out of the sunset and take the long way. It was too hot in there. "So, Jacobar, how exactly is it sunset when it was morning just a few minutes ago?" asked Endish. "Waaaaait a minute," interrupted the homeless man, "You're Captain Jacoblfffvvvit?" A fly entering his mouth had garbled the last syllable. "No, that's my cousin. I am Captain JacoBAR, with a capital ER." "Good Goud! I had no idea I would meet the legendary Captain Jacobar!" "Legendary?" "Yeah, where I come from in the future, your stories are legend, and they have even been published on the internet." "What is this internet you speak of?" "It's a gigantic collection of information, used by billions of people." "Billions, you say? That is indeed impressive. Well, let this day be one for the all the internets, as we shall defeat the evil Gouda once and for all." "Jacobar, let me help. I want my name too to be immortalized in history." "Very well," said Jacobar. With that, Homelessman Michael stormed the palace and singlehandedly beat the guards to death with homeless breath and bare hands. Jacobar and crew followed closely behind, until they finally reached the throne room. There sat Gouda, porous in fear as he saw the day of his defeat near at hand. "Tell me one thing," said Gouda, "how did you get here so quickly? How did you find me before I could get my defenses up?" "Simple," said Michael, "Time travel." "I see," said Gouda. "Have you any last words?" "Just one." "It is?" "Damn." Jacobar nodded, and drew his sword. He shredded cheese with the skill of a Master Grater, and Gouda's end was too quick to suffer. The captain nodded to the lion, and knelt down to wipe his sword on the carpet. He placed the blade back in its sheath, stood, and he and his crew took the elevator back to the first floor. "Where do we go now, Captain?" asked Michael. "To the laboratory!" They took a pack of Maundering Sules from the stable and rode off into the sunset. This time they didn't mind the heat, for now they all had cheese to eat. Gouda had suffered defeat. To be continued... |
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| © Copyright 2007, Thomas Lee Davidson | ||||||||
